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A Bad Year for Tom Brady and Gisele Continues as the Cryptocurrency Firm They Got in on Collapses Spectacularly

Remember this ad? It dropped about 14 months ago. Just at the start of the 2021 NFL season. And it was everywhere. Ubiquitous. There was no escaping it. 

Tom Brady and Gisele were the Jake from State Farm and Flo from Progressive of 2021. And the timing could not have been more perfect. Either for them or FTX Crypto. 

Brady was a Super Bowl champion once again. Gisele was vindicated for Yoko Ono-ing him out of New England. Cryptocurrency was all the rage, and FTX was the DJ up on stage leading the party. Crypto was more than just an investment option; it was a lifestyle. If you were into it, you could talk about nothing else. It had become America’s financial CrossFit. And those of us too lazy, timid, or stupid to get in on it were judged and found to be lacking by those who were living that life. 

And the king and queen of that new fantasy realm were Brady and Gisele. Not merely because they were the paid spokecouple in this ad that gave us a glimpse into their perfect life of witty banter and self-deprecating humor. But because of their massive interest in FTX. And their place upon the throne lasted for the better part of a year. 

But it turns out that investment is a reflection of the perfect life we saw in the commercial. In that they both turned out to be Fun House mirror reflections. 

Simply put, FTX Crypto is going tits up before our eyes. You know it’s in complete freefall when the instant billionaire in charge isn’t even trying to spin it as anything but a financial catastrophe:

I won’t pretend to understand the rest of this thread, since I’m old enough to be seriously considering putting my money in silver like William Devane talks about on basic cable. I’m not fluent in Finance, but I read English well enough to know this situation sounds hopeless:

Take out the “fuck”s and “shit”s, and this sounds like the kind of talk brokers were hearing on Black Friday in 1929 that had them jumping out Manhattan windows. (Note: I know that’s an urban legend. I’m using it as rhetoric. Don’t come at me.) Now it sounds like FTX is just a repeat of the Dot Com Bubble of the late 90s. And that Brady and Gisele commercial feels like all those Super Bowl ads for Pets.com or HotJobs. 

Here’s how bad things are, expressed in language even I can understand:

Daily Mail -Tom Brady’s difficult 2022 has gotten worse, as the Bucs star and his ex-wife Gisele Bundchen have been caught up in the crash of cryptocurrency exchange FTX.

FTX saw more than $6billion in withdrawals in the 72 hours leading up to Tuesday, and the market value of the exchange crashed by 70 percent this week as concerns about its financial health mounted.

The company’s CEO Sam Bankman-Fried lost an estimated $14.6bn – 94 percent of his net worth – overnight, according to Bloomberg, after FTX struck a bailout deal with rival company Binance.

While neither Brady or Bundchen are expected to see losses to the magnitude of Bankman-Fried, the company’s recent developments could certainly leave a dent.

Well that last part is good news, I guess. I mean, not losing 94% of your net worth is certainly preferable to doing so. But it still sounds like they’re going to take a bath on this venture. And not the good kind, with locally sourced, fair trade fragrance soaps like you’d assume Gisele goes for. But the real soaking in red ink kind. It’s incredible to imagine this would fail so utterly for them, just based on the unbelievable winning streak they’ve been on since the day they met. But it just goes to prove what Myra Fleener told Norman Dale in Hoosiers, “The sun don’t shine on the same dog’s ass every day.” 

The bottom line is that they should’ve listened to Larry David. It turns out he was right on the money. Literally:

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